December, already?
So. I have a lot of explaining to do.
At some point, towards the end of January 2025, I had something of a mental health crisis, and it revolved around - you guessed it - the inauguration of the President. It felt like all the trauma and evil I've felt around me had conglomerated into this very vile being of a man, and I felt so hopeless. I was in a state of shock for much of January and February.
Around March, I began to contemplate suicide. Obviously, I didn't go through with it, but I had reached out to a lawyer, got my affairs in order, blah blah blah. What stopped me was, believe it or not, the fact that it was so much harder to accomplish suicide. I couldn't find good enough rope. All medications are so mixed as to avoid accidental overdoses. I had access to a gun but the person who owned it keeps it hidden away. So I gave up on that.
The only way out was to go through, it turned out. I was able to find a better paying job than the old one I had - that one, I still technically work at. I lost close to 25 pounds because I can't afford anxiety medication, so what I started doing was going on walks. I walked in the morning, for thirty minutes. I walked mid-afternoon, during lunch. I walked in the evening, to the park and back. I began to go out more often. I actually ended up reaching out to friends! I'm planning on getting on Ritalin soon, so that I can finally finish school. I'm mourning the reality of having missed out so much of my youth due to mental illness, and how little I did to actually help myself. I want to give myself grace, but I've been doing that all my life. It's time I actually buckle down and help myself.
I decided to throw myself into the dating world again, after nearly four long years of nothing. Not the best idea - the first guy I went out with turned out to be not the right fit, and the second guy hid his felonies and kids pretty damn well. A friend of mine is trying desperately to position himself as my next beau, but I see him solely as a friend. I cannot even fathom the idea of pursuing something so much as sex. If anything, I think the universe has been listening to me and telling me "hey, if you're serious about love, stop thinking with your pussy and start thinking with your heart."
You know what's been really getting to me, though? My old ex from years ago. I haven't thought of him in a long while, and that's largely because my ex fiancé hated the idea of me thinking about him. He used to belittle that ex and myself for ever dating him. And it never helped that whenever we'd run into each other on campus, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world but near me. I obliged him, as I was 19 and still as deeply in love with him as a 19 year old could be, and I never saw him again after my third semester at college. Around July, he began to appear in my dreams. Again, never gave him much thought up until then, so I was floored to see him appear so often. I feel terrible for not reaching out to him and making amends with him. I think that's why he appears in my dreams almost nightly. It's so... bittersweet? I think very fondly of him, but I feel so sad seeing him, like a big piece of my youth and beauty felt so wasted on anyone but him. I suppose the remnants of that 19 year old are still hanging around, clinging onto what she can. Does he even remember me? Doubtful. But there he is, standing in the doorway to my dreams. I hope he's doing well in life, wherever he is.
I've looked back on all that I've accomplished, all my goals met. I still have to beat the soda addiction and get back into my garden. She's looking wonderful at least! She flourished under all my aches and pains.
2025! What a concept! God, I hope 2026 is kind to me. I still aim to lose all the puffy weight in my face, maybe finally obtain the jawline I yearn for. Maybe I can travel outside of town on my own, for once. No need to worry about anyone else. May I be financially stable and free to do so. Maybe my ex boyfriend will manifest in real life, and we can make amends. Or I find a soulmate. Who knows?
Til then, I suppose. ~