3.3.2026
This is so funny to me. I don't know why, but it is.
These past few days, I've been feeling so much more unnerved. I can't put it into any other words, just unnerved. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know. With these feelings, comes a lot of bizarre actions and thoughts.
A few days ago, when I was running errands for my mother, I drove by an old party hall in the process of being torn down. A friend of mine had thrown her sweet sixteen there, and it was such a wonderful memory of mine from my teenage years. I fell in love that night. I ended up crying in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart because of it. I already knew the building had been abandoned years ago! I guess the emotions were too much for me.
Today, as I was working, I had a rather ugly realization about my old friends, including the friend who threw the party. I realized they had effectively abandoned me. I can't keep acting like I was the only reason why - I was mentally ill and recovering from the trauma of rape. I was left untethered and people watched me drift away, and did nothing about it. I'm only now recovering from the trauma and the abuse I endured because I had no idea what I was doing, and no one to turn to. I didn't cry. I just stewed in my anger while I finished work and did Zoom meetings and blah blah blah. What can I do about it? Maybe vent, maybe yap. Who knows? I don't quite think I can ever forgive them now, I who was once so forgiving.
I feel sensitive. I feel unnatural. I'm piecing together my life again while life around me feels like it's falling apart. How wonderful!